A few weeks ago I posted about ending the so-called fictional ridiculous Mommy Wars. I was so happy to see all of the positive responses and also that so many of you like red wine.
We can now remain friends.
Anyway, the reason there really are no mommy wars between SAHMs, WOHMs, WAHMs, or SAMIAMs or Whatever is because everyone is either doing what the need to do, what they choose to do, or what the want to do, or what they enjoy doing, or what is right for them and their family and OMG – it’s about THEM. So leave them alone and invite them over for coffee.
I take mine black.
So this post. This post about why I am an “At Home Mom” – this post is not for any of you reading this today. This post is for me.
And for my kids..when they read this silly blog someday.
*********
I never thought I would do anything but work. I started the “big corporate” job work as a 20 year old intern while still in college. I loved it. I loved everything about it.
I loved the business suits, the paper, the meetings, the lunches, the deadlines, the challenges, the people. the friends, the travel, the PowerPoint presentations, the stress, the successes, the long hours, and most of all THE MONEY!
My work defined me. I put everything into it. Everything.
I moved across country and back for my career and it cost me my personal life. And the end of a relationship.
But really at the time I did not care. I got another promotion and another move. I bought another house.
Now I traveled all over the world and soon moved to Europe. For my career.
And then I got pregnant. After fourteen years of cultivating a successful career.
And I remember so clearly the whole time I was pregnant – I visited day cares and never questioned that my baby would be in a day care center when she turned two months old and I would return to work..and nothing would change.
Nothing prepared me for the day my daughter was born. And in an instant everything changed inside me.
When I went back to work a few month later I left my heart each day at that center.
But I worked and still ran a successful business unit at the company. But my day now ended at 4:30 and I started saying no to travel opportunities. This was no longer my happy place. I dropped my happy place off eight hours ago and I ached.
And then I was pregnant again.
*****
I believe there is always a moment or an event that changes everything and gives us clarity about what we are meant to do…and this was mine…
A new CEO had just started at our company. He asked all of the business managers to give him a 15 minute presentation summarizing our business – plan, financials, marketing, etc. The meeting was scheduled from 3-5pm and my timeslot was 4:15. Perfect – right after my turn I would be out the door and to Eloise by 4:50. Did I mention that I was also seven months pregnant at this time.
But as all meetings go..we were running late. 4:15 came and went. At 4:40 there were still two people in front of me scheduled to speak.
So I stood up at 4:50 in this meeting of this $2 billion dollar company – this meeting with the CEO and the Vice Presidents…and all of the managers. This room of about two women and about 50 men.
And I walked over to the new CEO and said in front of everyone “I have to go. My daycare closes in ten minutes and I’m already late. And besides trying to get there before they close and charge me extra, what’s more important is that Eloise knows that Mommy comes by 4:45..right after Tommy’s mom and right before Ava’s dad. And now Ava has already been picked up and there is an almost two year old sitting there wondering where her mommy is…and that is why I need to be there right now and not here.”
And I walked out of that conference room before anyone could say anything to me. And I exhaled.
But that wasn’t really the moment.
The moment was ten minutes later when I was driving 87 miles per hour on I-94 to get to my Eloise and I got pulled over by the State Patrol. Yes. oh yes I did.
By the time he reached my window I was this crazy seven month pregnant woman sobbing hysterically as if everyone I knew had just died and I just started talking “my baby is in daycare” and “there was this big meeting” “please let me go get my baby” ..and just bad, bad blubbering and excuses and just bad. Awful.
But I must have gotten my point across because this sweet man said to me “Tracy, I’m going to let you go – yes even at 32 over the speed limit because I get it. I’m a new dad and I get it..but you will reach your baby going 55 just as well as 87..and maybe even alive…so go..but go the speed limit that last five miles.”
And he followed me the rest of the way there..and waved as he drove past as I ran into the building.
******
Six months later I was sitting at work. Esther was four months old and Eloise two and a half.
I sat in a meeting and then I went to pump.
And then I sat at my desk and sobbed and went to the supply room found an empty box that would fit nearly 17 years of my career. My whole adult life.
Turns out I did not need a box that big. And it only took me about 15 minutes to sort out what I would take with me. Turns out that there were no big and important memories made for me for all of that hard work I put into that life for so long.
And I walked by my bosses office and I threw him my badge and told him that I was quitting as I got a better job offer. I didn’t mention that the hours and pay at my new job are complete shit.
But the benefits are immeasurable.
Telling my story for MamaKat’s World Famous Writing Workshop.
I LOVE this. I needed this reminder. Sometimes I miss the sense of accomplishment I used to get or just the fact that I got out of bed, showered and dressed in less than 5 hours. And yes, the money and the adult interaction. But I’ll never get this time back.
I’m so glad you said what you did at that meeting that ran so late. I wish more moms felt confident speaking up at work like that.
Seriously, I used to hate the way no one would speak-up to the CEO or VP’s. All of our time was precious…not just theirs.
This? Awesome. And I’m going to come right out and admit that by the end of your post with the picture of you and your girls and the “benefits being immeasurable”, I totally teared up. And that is no exaggeration. (My husband will vouch for me.) Tears. In. Eyes.
Awesome story. For you. And your family. And your beautiful girls.
Thank you. Is it weird that I cannot go back and read this without sobbing. I remember it all so clearly – this amazing change.
I teared up, too. I could really feel the words, as if it were me. Glad you stood up for what felt right and found your happiness.
This is so beautifully written and so deeply felt. Made me cry, oh yes it did. I worked full time for a couple years after my kids were born and I fought tears every day when I was sitting at that desk. I give big kudos to the women who are able to work full time. I just couldn’t do it. Your post really, really spoke to me. XO
Thank you. Sometimes I feel bad that I could not do it. But I can’t. I don’t know why, but it’s not in me.
So beautiful Tracy. I loved it….BUT
I must caution you, as you clearly state in paragraph one this post is for your kids in case they should read your blog one day, and I can just hear Astrid yellin up a storm that Eloise and Esther got way more word mentions than she did. (The fact that the Astrid tag is the biggest one in the tag cloud won’t matter one bit!)
I know right…my most neglected child.
I am forever grateful that my teaching term ended 6 weeks before I had my baby. There way NO WAY I was handing him to someone else when the next school year started. And that first year was GREAT.
But now we’re in the middle of that second year and I’m starting to miss the classroom. I’m also feeling the need for another baby. And I feel kind of stuck. But I read this and remembered that first year with my son and I want to make sure that any sibling I give him has that same time.
So I guess I will put off the career for a while longer, even though I miss wearing clothes that weren’t designed for the yoga classroom instead of slacks and skirts that were designed for a professional classroom.
Because one day these kiddos will be grown and on their own and I don’t want to wish I had been there.
Hugs to you as you decide what is best for all of you. Also, I still get dressed-up almost everyday even if we are just going grocery shopping. But I’m weird.
This is so lovely and beautifully written. I can relate to a lot of it, except I was a teacher and never had any sort of glamour (or money, sigh) in my career. But I knew after having A that I didn’t want to work after having (the not yet conceived) Dylan.
I know staying at home isn’t for everyone, but I love hearing about mamas that are where they want to be, whether it’s at work or at home.
Love this! I was a teacher and though I loved it, I hit a point where I knew I needed to be somewhere else. I walked out one day and never looked back. Best decision ever.
So amazing when you can just read words flowing from someone’s heart. Those beautiful girls are lucky to have you as not only their mother but their role model. You are an amazing woman!
Thank you so much for this kind comment. It’s the post that I just write directly from my heart that I want to save for my kids to read someday. xo
The day we decided we were going to try for a baby, was the day I decided to give up my 10 year career in marketing, where I was on the cusp of better things at work.
4 weeks after my last day at work, I found out I was pregnant. Is that serendipity?
I cannot imagine not being here for every moment of my sons’ lives. Ever. I love being home with them. No question.
And this was so beautiful, Tracy. Could I love you more? I think not.
BOO-YAH!
I wish I had picture of the day Tim said I can so totally stay home “this time” (while preggo with my 2nd). I couldn’t believe it and I was freaked out. Like, OMGAWD, how will I NOT *work*!?!??!?!
Oh and this is gonna end up being a really long comment but I had a similar moment after work on the way home one day when Tim called and wanted me to go look at cars at like 4:30 (on the other side of town from my baby’s daycare) and I FREAKED my freak on him and said I could NOT leave B there past this certain time because he MUST eat by this time and on and on. So I totally get that part of your post, in other words.
But I did not get pulled over. And I did NOT go look at new cars to buy that day.
Okay, go back to whatever it was you were doing besides reading this long ass comment… ;P
Yes. This.
My breaking point was when my MIL encouraged Sawyer to call her “Mama.”
However. It is still tough when you’ve gotten you’re entire self-worth through your career and then, poof, no validation for being a mother. Plus, I never wore yoga pants before having babies.
xoxo
Oh my and your MIL. Oy.
Great post. Your kids are lucky to have someone like you as a mom. I knew I was meant to stay home with my kids after I went back to work as a receptionist and dental assistant. Baby 3 was across the street with my mom and he was all I could think about. I never changed the x-ray solution since maternity leave and because I forgot, I was screamed at until I cried. I called out of work the next day and never went back. Staying home with my kids is so much more fulfilling to me than working a crappy job.
Good for you! So awesome to be able to do that.
LOVE!!!
Love this story! And yay for sympathetic police officers. I got off with a warning once after having a conversation about the 2 carseats in the backseat belonging to 2 16 month olds. Wise officer.
I worked with #1 out of necessity. I went back to work with #2 because it was expected. I too quit only months later and have never regretted it.
Oh I am so glad you were able to do what you wanted. So awesome.
This is what I needed to hear today. Ive been struggling with the fact that Im a SAHM, and I miss my career. BUT.
I know Id miss my babes if I went back to work. I need to be home with them. They are only this little for so long, and when they go to school I can go back to work.
Thanks for your honest post.
Do you know what is strange…sometimes I think I would rather be home when they are older. ..and the tough things come. You know to be home when that teenagers gets home from school if they need to talk. Or to be able to pick them up after school or to get then to a practice.
Maybe I am just justifying never going back…
This is perfect, Tracy. I love your moment -and the way your heart is front and center in this post. xo
Exactly!
This may be my favorite post of yours ever because it is exactly why I love you. I had similar plans to continue conquering the business world, with triplets. As my pregnancy went downhill we decided there were things much more important than my salary. So much love to you.
Wonderful. It’s amazing how priorities shift, and life as you know it can do a 360 in the blink of an eye.
Love your story. Like you I’ve left the corporate world to take care of my kids and never regretted it one bit.
Well said, Tracy! It is a tough thing to do but you never have to look back with regret. I always feel like I have the best of both worlds. I work full-time when my kids are still asleep and I am home by lunchtime. I get to volunteer in their class, bring them special snacks when they get off the bus, never miss a sporting event and enjoy summer afternoons and evenings with them. I never get any sleep but sleep is overrated…there will be plenty of time to sleep when they are in college. Nice blog!
I love your schedule Vineeta and how present you are. Always. You are such an amazing mom, woman and role model to many. Truly. xo
Oh my, well I’m sobbing. I don’t really know why but I am. Maybe it’s your story or the way you told it, maybe it’s that picture at the end…maybe it’s just that I know I should write my own and I have no idea where to start. But something about this touched me and will stay with me for days…I know it.
Thanks for sharing it…..xo
Thanks hon. We all have our stories about this don’t we. It should be something that brings us all together. xoxo
Tracy you said this all so well. I too left while pregnant with my second. I just came to a breaking point. It wasn’t hard to leave, but I can admit, for me, it is hard some days to be away, still. I loved a lot about my job and I loved the responsibilities and yes, I was really proud of the money.
I need to put it into words like you have so I can read it and remember why I did it and know it was right.
Thank you!
I’ve been trying to write this post for four years. This weight is off me now. I can read this and weep with happiness that YES it all just incredibly perfect how it is and own my story.
Someday when your girls read this, they will be reminded yet again of their amazing mom. Glad fate sent you an understanding trooper!
Well you know in college I could use flirting to get out of many tickets…so as a 36 year old pregnant lady I thought hysterical crying was the way to go. lol
Great, awesome, wonderful, heartfelt, emotional story, Tracy. Thanks for sharing your heart today.
This is beautiful. I’m sure it couldn’t have been easy for you, but then again was probably the biggest no-brainer ever when it came down to it.
In a way I’m sorta glad that when the time comes (as we’ve always said it will), I won’t have a career to leave. It’s a job. Granted, I’ve been here for 8 years, but it’s still…just a job.
This, made me cry. Big hot mess cry. And I am so happy that you are happy with your decision.
This may well be the best post ever. Not just your best post, but THE best post. xoxoxo
Oh my word. Thank you. xoxo
I love this. I remember when you went 80% and then quit your job. It was (and is) so clearly the right thing for you and your family.
I’m in the minority among your readers, I guess, but I could NEVER have stayed home with the boys. I’m missing that gene. I’m too lazy, frankly–I need an easier job than full-time parenting! I was SO grateful to go back to work after both maternity leaves. I never questioned that decision then and never have since. My kids are better for it and so is our family.
BUT…I am so fortunate to have a job with a ton of flexibility, a ton of time off during the school year and over the summer, and a culture that respects and encourages work/life balance. That makes a HUGE difference and is a big part of the reason why our two-working-parent family actually works. I am grateful every single day for that–it’s allowed me to be the best parent AND and the best professional I could possibly be. We need more workplaces that understand how important that kind of flexibility is–that would take care of a shitload of the so-called mommy wars in one fell swoop, IMO.
That doesn’t mean I don’t have enormous guilt anyway. I think that’s part of the package no matter what you do. And being Jewish doesn’t help–oy, the guilt.
I love your story Ami. Love. And you have an amazing family. You are right – none of it felt right for me, even going 80%, I never felt like it was okay. So glad I could just walk away.
And I thought only us good Catholic girls had guilt?
I love this. So very different from my story but the end result is the same.
AWESOME!
Our kids are teenagers now. We made the decision that they would not go to daycare. We cut back on everything and barely got by on my husband’s income and the little jobs I could do from home (specifically, making stuff and selling it). But our kids were clothed, fed, and warm and we were always there for them and were able to raise them exactly the way we wanted to.
My husband and I were just discussing this decision last week and both agreed that we are so happy that we made the sacrafice. Kids grow so fast — I’m fortunate that we were there every step of the way. I understand that not everyone can stay home with their kids, especially with the economy the way it is today but many can and choose not to. I can’t even fathom this.
Oh … I can very much relate to this post. I too had a job I loved, lived in Chicago, great money, exciting work and also though after having my first child nothing would change. But after my maternity leave I didn’t return. Today I love that my freelance work gives me flexibility. I do what I enjoy and have balance. No, I don’t have the big bucks or get to go to holiday parties and get bonuses but that is ok. Great post!!! Keep em coming
Thanks, Beth. I so love your story. So very much the same. So awesome we could both do this and have that choice to make. xo
The cop part got me, dammit. Tearing up at work. Where I don’t want to be. But, I don’t begrudge you the ability. That’s what I think a lot of people miss. I am happy that you are at your happy place. I will get there too someday (as my heart is at home w/my kids too, not in this office w/these germ sharing people (do you know how hard it is to teach adults to cover their damn mouths when they cough?), not in these meetings that accomplish nothing)).
I’ll get there. And still be happy for you that you are already there.
Oh I hope you get there sweet lady. I pray for it.
I love love love this!
I love it! Each woman and family has to make the best decision for her and her kids. For me, it was being at home. I wouldn’t trade it. Thanks for sharing your story.
So glad you came to the right decision for you and your family. Mine path has been almost the opposite – started out as a SAHM for two years then felt the call to ramp back up in my career. So many paths from which to choose! No right answer. Just what’s right for you. Glad you found your answer!
First, let me say I love that the police officer followed you to daycare after seeing how distraught you were. Sweet man.
Second, I’ll admit here something that may account for why I STILL can’t quite let go of the idea of having another baby even though girl, please. I’m 43. My kids are in middle school. I’m done. But.
I went back to work when Jack was ten weeks old. And back after only five weeks when I had Karly. Yep. Five. I hadn’t even had my post-partum check-up yet. But the school year was starting and I didn’t want any parents or students complaining that they had to endure a sub. (Honors English parents are sometimes crazy.)
So.
I worked with both kids. And I pumped for a year with each of them. And we always said that it was JUST BARELY MANAGEABLE but if we had a third baby, I’d have to stay home.
Of course, the third one would have to be an “accident” because we didn’t feel comfortable making the conscious decision to have me stay home.
And I never had an accident. (Besides Jack. He was unplanned. Hooray!)
So. I’m still kind of not over that third baby who would have rendered me an At Home mom.
I longed for her. Or him. For the experience. Anyway. Sorry for blogging in your comments.
And I loved your post. Good for you, my friend.
Good.
Okay you need a baby. STAT.
I love this story. Your story.
Oh boy. I have tears streaming down my face as I type this comment. Not because I was a corporate working mom, or have ever taken my daughter to daycare, perhaps because I’m very preganant and slightly hormonal, but girl do I feel your pain and subsequent joy. Beautiful beautiful story. And another powerful reason we should all take off our judgey pants and support one another. Each decision we make for our families are hard, to work or not, and ultimately they are OURS and OURS alone. Thanks for sharing!
Just wonderful. You do such a nice job of acknowledging why some women do need/want to work while having kids, but telling your specific story. Beautiful!
Best.choice.ever. I loved reading this!
This post made me cry. In a great way.
What a fabulous post!
Fantastic story to tell for your girls. and for you and for us. It made me think of my own decisions and how I still struggle with all of this. You did a great job.
Yep. I went back when my son was five weeks old to get my stuff and see my last group of kids graduate. And could not believe how little I really needed to take with me. I had hm and the rest hardly mattered.
i loved reading this story. what a journey you had, and you wrote about it so relatably and vividly. I could see the conference room, you and the policeman, and you packing up your desk. I could feel your panic and desperation. You poured your heart out today. Thank you.
wow. you really said it all and oh so beautifully. thank you so much for sharing this. i dream of a day when we’re in a place for me to do this. your kids are very lucky to have you as their mama.
Your kids are going to love reading this post some day.
I sense, in every post you publish, your happiness about your life right now. Sure, there are the days that you’re frustrated over this or that, but you’re happy. It shows. And, it shows that you love your daughters. Immensely.
They’re going to love reading this.
Dear Tracy,
I LOVE this post. It speaks to me on so many levels. I think about working mothers, whether they want to work or have to work, and how their hearts must break some days as they head off to their jobs. I believe every mother has to make her own choice. I don’t harbor ill feelings towards women who work! For me, I just know that I would have the same reaction as you! And yes, the pay is horrendous, the hours are long, but I wouldn’t trade it for anything….most days.
I feel so lucky to have this choice..that is for sure. xo